First off, let me say how much I've appreciated the comments I've gotten over the past few days. I seriously think I've nearly started crying on average, once an hour since I last posted. Okay, maybe not THAT much...but it's been very nice to come on the computer and see how many awesome, heartfelt comments are sitting in my inbox. So thank you. When I have a little more time, I'll try to write a post personally responding to the comments.
I'm missing blogging...I wanted to hold off on blogging again until I talked to my mom but I'm cleaning my room today, and well, I needed a little distraction. So I came on here and read a few blogs and got the urge to write again. So here I am. For now anyway.
I took off a shift of work last night. Normally on Sundays I work a double shift (which gives me three days off a week, rather than two. And usually I manage to get through both shifts...but Sunday morning when I came home to try to sleep a few hours, my mom and sister were off and on arguing, quite loudly, and very close to my bedroom. Not fun at all. So I didn't get much sleep and when I had to get up to get ready for work I just felt like crap, really tired and rundown. But I made it to work with the plans of asking the supervisor if I could leave at the end of the first shift, but I had missed her so I decided, rather than bother her at home, I'll hack it out. But then later that shift she called to check in, and to call out for today and I asked her if I could leave if I could find coverage...so I found coverage and came home at 11pm and was actually able to sleep really well for a change. Lately I've been struggling to sleep, especially at night as my body is so adjusted to sleeping during the day so I was a tad worried that after all that trouble (and losing out on holiday play and using up some sick time), I wouldn't be able to sleep but I slept from a bit after midnight until 8am when I woke to my ferret making noises then falling back to sleep for about two more hours. I feel much better now! Last night at work I was really droozy and feeling shaky. And I ached....all over. When I don't get enough sleep for an extending period of time, I usually find myself getting sick so hopefully skipping out on work to get some much needed rest was enough to stave off whatever evil bug was laying in wait to get my immune system weak enough to attack.
Yeah, so like I mentioned earlier in this post, I've decided that I'm going to talk to my mother tomorrow. I'm still not sure what exactly I'm going to say to her, but I think my best course of action will be to be frank with her, not just hint around at feeling bad but just strait out tell her that I've been depressed for awhile now and I feel as though it's getting worse for me with everything that has been going on...by the work drama I went through over the summer, the recent family deaths...especially my grandmother, my aunt's car wreck (which, by the way, she's improved enough to move out of the critical care unit), and my dad's ongoing health problems. I didn't even get into that stuff in that post, but I'm sure that just those things alone could seriously bring someone not suffering from depression, down enough that it could turn into depression.
Since writing that stuff though, I've felt this incrediable calmness and lightness. It sounds a tad silly, but I really felt that way. Just knowing that I was able to write all that stuff out and talk about it so frankly with someone (or many people really) and not feel ashamed or too scared was such a big step for me...I don't even feel all that worried now about talking to my mother. I don't often talk to her about serious stuff like this, and when I do, it's usually when I just get to worked up about something that it just comes spilling out. But we'll see how it goes tomorrow. We both have off tomorrow (well, after 7am for me anyway) and I have the next few days off work so I won't have to worry about going into work while I am worked up or just feeling really emotional. My mom unfortantely only has Wednesday to recover...in which she'll be going with my dad to see a neurologist for his back problems...but if I wait even longer than I have...well there's a good chance I won't talk to her at all.
So there you have it.
Pearl Jam-Rearviewmirror
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Thanks for the update, Sil. 13 years ago, I told my mom that I was depressed as well. We talked for a while about my feelings and she told me that I should see a counselor. I didn't really want to, but I just wasn't happy, hadn't been for quite a while, and needed to find out why. I was able to get to the source of my emotional issues and am wishing the same for you. Have a great week!!
Silver, I'm glad you were able to get rested up, and are comfortable with your decision to talk to your mom. Way to go. Good luck tomorrow, I know you'll be able to say what you need to.
I too have suffered from depression..I have yet to talk about that over at my blog.. but thee is not reason to feel silly sbout how you feel.. You have made huge strides from opening yourself up to strangers/bloggers.. letting it all out is way better than keeping it bottled up.. Good luck with your mom.. I'm glad your aunt is recovering...
Super! First off, I was so happy to see a post here!!!!
I'm sure you are nervous and all about talking to your mom, but I'm glad to hear about how you feel lighter and calmer after spilling your thoughts online.
I have a feeling this is all for the best. Things are only going to get better (doesn't necessarily mean they will be easy, but good things usually aren't easy and take work!). And I'm sure your challenge is daunting and frightening, but man, I'm so proud that you are going to do something about it. I think lots of people have problems but they are too scared to face them, through no fault of their own, it's just that facing problems is hard and super freakin' scary!
Anyways, best of luck. Life ain't always easy, but it'd be boring if there were no challenges either (uh, I guess, but I wouldn't mind it if things were easy though...). Hehe.
I hope you keep posting, about any thing, hey did you get a book from the library the other day?
Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. What if you had diabetes or high blood pressure? Wouldn't you seek treatment for those? People sometimes forget that the brain is also a part of the body.
You've had an awful lot to deal with. Once again I say that I know how hard it was for you to put it all down in words here. Hugs and more hugs.
Big HUGS!!
It takes a lot for people to write some of the things that they do intheir blogs. What you have put pen to in these past few posts must feel somewhat cathartic for you. I hope so, and I do hope that feel better.
Thank you for stopping by mine as well. I too think that the lady in my post was a bit of a psycho....she was a first for me and certainly won't be the last.
keep on blogging....it's good for the spirit.
I wish you the best of luck with talking to your mom. You deserve to feel better, and the first step is to tell her.
I had depression myself for a while. You should definitely talk about it. It will be hard at first, but it's worth it.
I got through my depression and you can too. In fact, I now feel really greatful for the experience. I blogged about it here: http://buckleyontheblog.blogspot.com/2006/10/happiest-time-of-my-life.html
Take care,
Julia
x
I've read all the stuff that's been going on the past few days. Sorry I haven't commented more frequently. You are bold for writing so personally on this forum. It takes guts and a fair bit of self-awareness to be as candid as you are, and that's awesome. I hope you had a good talk with your mom and are exploring your options of dealing w/ depression. It's such an awful illness and it sounds like you've come through many years of it relatively unscathed. The will and resolve and strength that's taken you this far will pull you out of it too. All the best. Really. *hug* hope you are well.
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