I expected today to be a normal day full of my normal blogging, that was my intention anyway. But it turned out to be a much different day and I realized that I had a lot of things going on mentally that I had to get out of my head and onto paper (or a computer screen). It was extremely personal to me, and I struggled with my myself debating whether or not I was actually going to finish putting everything out in the open and then pushing that publish button. It would have been a lot easier not to finish. At least in the short term. In the long term however, it would still be there bothering me...probably for many more years.
So I wrote what I did. And I published it. And now everyone in the blogging world, and some non bloggers who read this blog will know what I've been dealing with for the last 10+ years. I broke down the barrier I had built up for years and am now letting me see me for the person I really am. And frankly, it's scaring me. A lot. But at the same time it feels liberating. I don't have to "act" anymore. If I feel like crap...well, I'm not gonna hide it because you've now all seen me for who I really am.
I'm sorry if I've lead anyone on. I hope that my post won't cause you to dislike me because you've felt as though you've been had because this wasn't my intention. Let's just say that the online world, for the longest time, was a safe haven for me and now I am realizing that it isn't fair to anyone for me to do this.
I'm emotionally exhasted right now. I don't think that is a surprise to anyone, I know it's no surprise to me. But because of how I'm feeling, and the fact that today marks the beginning of the work week for me, I am going to take a bit of a break from blogging. Try to clear my head and hopefully try to work up my courage to talk to my parents about things. I will still be online, as I have my comments emailed to me, I'll see them. I will be checking my regular email and I might even be on AIM or msn. So I promise I won't be disappearing totally, just taking a bit of a break from my blog and consequently from your blogs.
I see that I have already gotten a very nice comment from my last entry. So thank you Sebastian. You have no idea how much it meant to me that you read what I had to say and commented.
Anyway, in the words of the Terminator..."I'll be back!"
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11 hugs:
I don't think you are deceiving anyone. This is the internet and it's hard to get too personal here. There is definetly a million things I have not posted on my Xanga because I don't want certain people reading it and judging me. You are being honest and I'm glad you were able to tell us and it seemed to have made you feel more comfortable.
Yeah, I don't either. Just take your time...
It's good to take breaks from blogging.....helps to energize ya a bit!
;-)
I think you're great.
Chelle
How's things Sil? This is me saying you have my full pixie support. I may only be a pixie but the least I can do is wish you lots of happiness. You have to know that you more than deserve it. Go off and be a bit daring with yourself and it will just happen. You will be able to handle it. I really promise you. Feel free to chat with the virtual or the real pixie anytime. I'll look out for you!
Please don't be sorry! I think it's wonderful that you are talking about your struggles. It was the same with me, when I started to do a couple posts on the difficulty of my illness, I felt weird, vulnerable, silly... but in the end, even if people don't read, it feels really good to let it go. I think writing this stuff down and sharing, well for me at least, it really helped me organize my thoughts, and just better understand what's going on in my head!
I look forward to your return, I hope it is soon! But most of all, I wish you the best, and please don't feel weak or bad about your struggle. Life is hard sometimes, try and think of your struggle as a challenge you must overcome! You are a wonderful person, with lots of things to say, and who knows, maybe going through what you are going through, you will be better equipped to help others in their own struggles!
yeah get yourself energized.. just like the energizer bunny and you will be good as new.. look forward to seeing what you post about next..
Take your time, Silver, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I'm proud of you. We will be here waiting when you come back!
I know how it feels to put yourself out there for the world to see and perhaps judge. I'm very proud of you.
Nik, I don't think you're that bad because you put things very clearly.
I know from experience and YOU know what I mean.
I didn't read it all through, but I can say this:
this strength you have that makes you face the facts, use it and go find some kind of therapist. You can't definately keep that inside if you want to be a counsellor.
I will say one last thing, I have seen guys truly 're-live' after they let their burden down---which was a similar situation as yours. I have seen it.
GOOD LUCK.
"Let's just say that the online world, for the longest time, was a safe haven for me and now I am realizing that it isn't fair to anyone for me to do this."
You need to be who you are. This is your blog and you need not be ashamed of what you've revealed. You're working through a lot of issues now and I'm really glad that you opened up. That's the greatness of blogging, girl! If people don't like to read what you have to say, then can move on! Like you said in an earlier post, you don't want the type of friends who aren't going to support you ANYWAY.
Take your time and come back when you're good and ready. I know there are a lot of things going on in your life so let us know how you're doing when you can.
But don't take too long! I might start to get worried by the end of the year! :-)
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